A story

A story

Dec. 13,1996

"I think we should stop seeing each other now," Vivian said on the other end of the phone, " I mean, I still love you. In fact, I love you so deeply so I must stop it before hurting any one of us."

Louis' heartbeat was almost stop at the moment when she heard what her girl friend had just said to her. Her face was so pale, and her holding-phone's hand was shaking. Only thing she could said to Vivian was, " I can understand".

" Louis, please, I don't mean to hurt you. Please believe me, I never mean to deceive your love," Vivian continuing ," I love you with all my heart, but I just can not stand that kind of pressure anymore."

Through the phone, Louis can somewhat hear Vivian's sobbing. "If this way can make you feel happy again, I really understand," said by Louis very calmly.

After a quite long conversation, Louis hung up the phone. She sat on her bed and couldn't help the tears shed along her pale-face. Suddenly everything around her seemed to be disappeared, and she fell into her memory.

Louis is her nickname. She named herself when she studied European history in her junior high. She hoped someday she can be a King as King Louis, and create a kingdom full of peace and love. Louis had one old-sister and two old-brothers. Since her sister is 8-year-older than her, she spent all her childhood with her two brothers. She played toy-robot with them, wore their second hand clothing, and she even acted like them. Louis never had any Babie-doll, and she didn't like that anyway. She always though she is a boy. She even like people called her boy instead of girl. She couldn't remember when exactly did she start refusing to wear a skirt. When she was young, she was an outgoing kind of child. Her mother always teasing her that she must be forgotten to bring a banana with her when she was born. Sometimes she would said that would be even better, if Louis is her third-son. Louis even dream of someday maybe when she weak up, she is a real-boy. She still remembers a lot of her elementary classmates told her that if she is a boy, they would like to married her when they grow up.

The first time she aware of homosexual was on her 4th grade. She was admired one of her girl-classmate at the time. One day, she was listening the radio. What the news anchor said was so shocked to her, "There was a new incurable disease named AIDS. This disease was spread by a group of people called homosexual. This kind of person tend to love the same gender......." After hearing this, she was so naive and thought she ganna die. She began to have more clear idea about what is homosexual when she entered a female-only junior high school. While her classmates paid a lot of attentions on boys, she noticed that she was more interesting on her female classmates. From then on, she was pretty sure that she is a lesbian.

She couldn't stop herself to like some of her classmates. She began to lived her life in fear. Imagine dearly loving someone else and having to keep it totally secret, because if she doesn't, she will be punished-- cast out of her home by her family, ostracized by her friends. When she graduated from high school, she decided to go to a normal junior college. Louis hoped by enter a boy-and-girl college, she could change her life back to normal, but she was wrong. The college required all freshman to lived on campus. Therefore, she left her home and moved into a girl only resident hall. For her, it was like a heaven. She, then, 24 hours lived with girls, and had a very good opportunity to met with girls. She was attracted by one of her roommate, and they became very closed to each other.

Her name is Jane. Coincidentally, Jane and Louis lived very close to each other. The following school years, even though they didn't live on campus anymore, they still went to school together. Whenever Jane had a problem, Louis would always there for her. Louis didn't want to ruin their friendship, so she never told Jane how she felt about her. Only thing Louis could do was helping Jane whenever she needed her. In Jane's eyes, Louis is her best friend, and only as a friend. However, Louis knew she liked Jane and she could only admire Jane in her secret mind.

The college life didn't as Louis' expecting; it didn't change her life back to normal at all. In fact, she acted more and more like a guy. She got along very well with her male classmates. She became a very good buddy with her male classmates. They treated her as if they were the same gender. They would come to her for an advice about their girl friends, and discussed about girls together. Sometime they even asked for her help to asking a girl out for a date. She was quite popular in her class. However, no one in her class knew she as a lesbian. Because she didn't tell anyone--not even her best friend Jane--about her very painful secret. Louis afraid that the fact will change her friends' attitude toward her. But, her classmates all knew that Louis seemed treating Jane too well to be a friend.

One day, as usual, Jane came to Louis' home and went to school with Louis. On the way to school, Jane told Louis that maybe they should go to school separately. She did mention that's because of Louis, but Louis knew that the thing she didn't want to happen was finally happened. The only thing Jane mentioned was that sometime kindness could be a pressure for her. From then on, Louis never went to school along with Jane. Sometime they did, but it always accompanied by other friends. She and Jane still were friends, but Jane was getting farther and farther away from Louis. Sometime Louis would hear her friends complained about how Jane shouldn't treat Louis like that, because Louis is such a nice person, and she treated Jane so well. Louis, nevertheless, always told them that's not Jane's fault. Jane always had her right to have a new best friend.

Although Louis never been alone, her mind is always alone. She bore with such a big secret, but she had no person to turn to. She not even told her family about herself, because she knew her parents won't accept the truth. Until the last summer in her college, she met a person that changed her life. Irene was her father's new employee. Louis met Irene when she got a part-time job in her father's company. They work in the same department. Since Irene is one-year-older than Louis, they got along very quickly. For Irene, Louis just like her sister. Even though Irene is older than Louis, she still liked to relied on Louis. Because Louis knew the job and company better than Irene. They had so many things in common. They shared the some interest "Art" , and the same constellation "Leo". They always had so much to talk about in their conversation. Louis began changing her attention from Jane to Irene. One day, Jane went to Louis' company and discussed homework with Louis. When Jane left, Irene seemed a little bit jealous, and said to Louis that if she can choose her own guardian angel, it will be Louis. Louis was confused by that. Was Irene tried to tell her something or it was her illusion? Louis, as an arrow on a tautly bow, was ready to action anytime. When she finally gave it a shot, she realized it was only a false alarm. Louis told Irene everything about herself. Irene told her she could see this coming, but she just kept denied it . As Louis' expecting, Irene didn't accept her . However, Irene encouraged her to facing the truth. She wrote to Louis that people all born with homosexual and heterosexual potential, for Louis, she chose to be homosexual and that's not her fault. That also was the first time Louis heard someone told her that she was "Transsexual". Irene told Louis that she was more Transsexual than Homosexual. Louis also noticed that, because that answered everything; why she always dreaming she would change her gender when she woke up; why she collecting all that Transsexual Surgery clips. She also told Louis sometime things were not as worst as she thought. Maybe the thing you thought would disturbing you the most, could turn out helping you the most. Louis still keeping that in her mind. Although Irene said she didn't discriminate Louis at all, she eventually left the company and went to America for her dream. Still, she left Louis.

Since Irene left Louis, Louis's life was hopeless. She never thought she would ever finding her true love. She still worked in her father's company after graduated from college. She was not as happy as her appearance. Form the day she knew she was a lesbian she had already put on that mask. She always lived in fear. Her life was to awaken every morning, lived every day, and went to sleep at night fearing discovery and rejection by her family, friends, and coworkers. She felt she even didn't know who she really was anymore. In front of her friends and coworkers, she had to pretending to be ignorant about homosexuality and quietly listening to her straight friends display their ignorance while she dare not correct them. She thought perhaps she had to lived her rest of life in that way. Until one day, one girl accidentally came into her life and grabbed her heart away.

Her name is Vivian. They met in a very odd situation. Louis was planning to go to Japan to continuing her education, and maybe gave herself a good reason for a break. Vivian, on the other hand, had just quitted a job and struggled in an unhappy relationship. She tried to found a new beginning. Therefore, she went to an interview for an advertising designer job. She didn't bring her art works as the advertisement required. However, she did bring her confidence and her big-smile with her. When she waited in a reception room, she saw a person, who wore short hair, quite white skin and look like a gentleman, entered the room. That's how she told Louis later on when they had a relationship. That person entered the room was Louis. Louis' first impression about Vivian was that she really looked like someone; someone that she admired before; someone that is Irene. However, she is taller than Irene, yet, they both have the same graceful temperament. The funny thing is, they both graduated form the same college. Two days later, Vivian was accepted by the company. Louis was the head of the department at the time, and that was her job to training the new employee. Almost the same time as Vivian entered the company, Louis got the information from her friend that Irene was back to Taiwan. It had been one year since Irene left. Louis tried to contacted Irene, but Irene had already moved away and changed her phone number. She even begged her friend to asked Irene out for a supper or even a afternoon tea, but Irene refused everything. Louis was really disappointed because she lost contact with the only person in the world who knew her secret. However, whenever she saw Vivian, she would felt better. It's not because she looks somewhat similar to Irene; it's because her big smile and that smiling-eyes. Whenever Louis explained how the company worked or simply talk to her, she would saw Vivian's smiling-eyes looking at her. Even though they had just met each other, it seemed to them that they had already known each other forever. By spending almost all the time together, they figured out they are just like an identical twin. They born in the same year, the same month, the same constellation, and even the same blood type. Louis only 4-day-older than Vivian. The more Louis spent time with Vivian the more she liked her. Notwithstanding, Louis hesitated to told Vivian how she felt about her. She afraid if she told Vivian, she will also left her as Irene did. She tried very hard to only be a friend with Vivian, because she didn't want to ruined another person's life. She knew how painful to be a lesbian, and she would like to undergo the pain by herself. At first, they just as other friend went to a movie. When the movie went to the end and the light went on, Louis felt someone was holding her hand. That was Vivian. She never touched or held other girls' hand since she knew she's a lesbian. Even though she admired some girls before, she worships them as if they were angels, and she never dared to touch them. That was the first time someone had holding her hand like that. She tried to convinced herself maybe that was the way Vivian treating her friends, and she tried to calm herself down, too. From that day on, whenever they went out, Vivian would always holding Louis' hand.

Although they seeing each other everyday, they still writing and calling each other almost everyday. Most of the time Louis was trying to convinced Vivian don't treat her too well, or, someday she will regret from what she had done. Vivian, on the other hand, was always telling Louis don't worry about it. She won't regret for what she did to her best friend. The first month, they were too good to be friends. Vivian always told Louis they seemed to know each other for a long time. One month later, it was Louis' birthday. When she entered the office, she saw something on her desk. That's the birthday presents from Vivian. It's a jade-lion-seal and couple of CDs. Vivian said the jade-lion-seal had special meaning. Because both of them are "Leo", and the seal was coming in a pair. That's Vivian's Christmas present. Her friend told Vivian keep one and sent the other one to her future husband. She said she didn't even know where was that person yet, but she knew that's not easy to have a friend as Louis. Therefore, she would like Louis to have the other half. This present reinforced Louis's desire to be with Vivian. Four days later, Louis asked Vivian out for a lunch and gave Vivian her birthday present. After the lunch, they went to a lake-park. As usual, they held each other's hand and walked around the lake. They found a place to sat, and Louis was bravely ready to facing the truth. She handed a piece of her old diary to Vivian. That was a diary about her very secret and how she using her life as a bet to begging a true love from the god. She said she would die happily if she had a chance to fall in love with her beloved, even for one year or one day. Louis' mind was really complicated while Vivian reading the diary. She didn't know next minute would Vivian accept her love, or as Irene, she'll just left her. She broke the ice and said to Vivian she would understand if she rejected her. On the contrary, Vivian said she didn't say that and nodded her head.

"Am I dreaming?", Louis asked Vivian.

" No, you are not. It's for real" Vivian replied.

Louis picked up a ring she prepared in her pocket and put on Vivian's finger. Vivian blamed Louis that if she loved her, why she still wanted to go to Japan. Louis said that's because she was not sure whether Vivian would accept her or not. However, she knew she won't go then, unless Vivian went with her. Vivian said to Louis that Love is a responsibility to each other, if they decided to love each other, then, they had the responsibility for each other; not one of them but both of them. They both knew their future would be very rugged and difficult, but at least they knew they had each other.

Louis finally fell in love. Suddenly her future was so bright. She was very sure what's her goal. That was to be with Vivian, take care of her, built their own family, and love her forever. Their love was so strong, and they though nothing would break them apart. However, they forgot they had a very huge enemy in front of them, that is "reality". They can't like other couple showing their love anytime, instead, they must hide their love behind them. Whenever they went out, they should beware of others? Any minute, they felt insecure and feared someone would discovery their secret. They tried to found wherever place that only belonged to them, but that was so hard to found. That's why they decided went to America together. That way they not only could continuing their education, but also staying together. Once they made up their mind, they tried to saved and earned more money to fulfill their dream.

Before their dream come true, they still need to face all problems surround them. In order to be together, they should lie to their Family. Not one time or two times, but always. They knew they shouldn't lie to them, but they had no choice. Unlike other couple, they can never share that wonderful feeling of being "in love" with their family and most of friends. One time, that was Louis' sister's engagement day, her parents were so happy about how all their children had found their love, except Louis. Louis really wanted to told her parents that she did find her love. In fact, she was just in front of them. However, she can't. During the engagement ceremony, Louis always remembers what her father said to her brother-in-law. Her father was too excited, he said, "I am here to give my only daughter's hand to you." Her mother corrected him that they have two daughters. It seemed to Louis that she had staying no place in her father's mind. She is neither a son nor a daughter in her father's mind.

That night, Louis received a call from Vivian. She wanted to saw Louis immediately. As usual, she lied to her parents and picked Vivian up in front of a convenience store which is one-block away from Vivian's home. They usually met there because Vivian didn't want her neighbors saw Louis. Then, they went to their secret garden. After making sure no one was there, Vivian leaned on Louis and started crying. Louis hugged Vivian in her arms and asked what made her so sad. She told Louis that she must leaving the company because her mother wanted her to managing her mother's cafe. She can't reject her mother and she didn't want to left the company either. They knew that meant they can't see each other so often. Louis hugged Vivian tighter and told her that might be a test for their love, but they would overcome it together. On the other hand, Louis blamed herself for not being a man to take care of her beloved's problem. The more she loved Vivian the more she blamed herself. Louis always thought if she was a man, then thing will be difference. They could share their loving feeling to their friends, have their parents' support, and most of all, their love will not be so toilsome. Since she is not a man, they still need to face all those challenges from the so-call " reality".

After Vivian left the company, Louis felt that they were getting farther from their dream. Vivian always complained about how her mother spending little money to saving a huge amount, because she must paid all attention on her mother's business and had no chance to go to America. She encouraged Louis went to America by herself. At first Louis refused it. However, day after day, Louis felt powerless on her job. On one hand, she had paying so much attention on the job but had learning and receiving less. On the other hand, she knew if she waiting for Vivian to come with her, it would be at least taken one or two more years, and she couldn't wait anymore. Therefore, Louis decided to go to America first, and waiting for Vivian in America.

Although Vivian encouraged Louis to go for her dream, she still somewhat reluctant to accept that Louis' leaving. She told Louis she was so sad about her leaving, but she would get over it. Louis knew that Vivian was trying to acted happily in front of her, because she didn't want Louis change her mind because of her, and Louis was right. Vivian felt so sad about Louis' leaving. She really want to talk to someone about her sorrow. Nevertheless, she can't. She can only keep that sorrow inside her. The departure day for Louis were more and more close, and she had more and more desire to see and be with Vivian. However, the more she wanted the less she got. They had a totally different schedule. Louis's daytime was Vivian's night time, because Vivian needs to worked at the night shift. They have only few months left; nonetheless, they had fewer times to be together. The only time they had usually was an odd time. Those months they had been caught very often by their friends when they were dating. They did their best to avoided that happen, they even wore scarf to cover their face to prevent been recognized. Vivian even asked Louis to wore her hair longer, that way Louis won't seeded that obvious as a lesbian. However, the less- time and been-caught caused them felt more insecure and uneasiness. They both lived in the stress, and that cause them to argue very often. They both had very strong desire to be with each other; however, things just didn't as their expectancy. It's only 30 days before Louis went to America, Louis, on the contrary, didn't saw Vivian very often. They always had some arguments when they saw each other. Louis didn't want to keep a bad impression in Vivian's mind before she left. Therefore, she tried to not bothering Vivian. Louis would go to Vivian's cafe, but not entered it. She only stayed across the street, and watching her beloved busily working in the cafe. She had this feeling that it's time for Vivian to say good-bye to her. Although she knew it would be ending this way when the moment they fell in love, Louis just hoped there would be a miracle happen in their story. But, god doesn't bless the homosexual. Still, Louis needs to concede for her destiny.

Finally, Louis got Vivian's phone call.

" My friends asked me what kind of relationship between you and me, and I lied to them. I said nothing. But, they told me I am not that kind of person, and they ask me to leave you." Vivian said.

"So, what did you said?" Louis asked Vivian.

"I think we should stop seeing each other now," Vivian said on the other end of the phone, " I mean, I still love you. In fact, I love you so deeply so I must stop it before hurting any one of us."

Louis' heartbeat was almost stop at the moment when she heard what her girl friend had just said to her. Her face was so pale, and her holding-phone's hand was shaking. Only thing she could said to Vivian was, " I can understand".

" Louis, please, I don't mean to hurt you. Please believe me, I never mean to deceive your love," Vivian continuing ," I love you with all my heart, but I just can not stand that kind of pressure anymore."

Through the phone, Louis can somewhat hear Vivian's sobbing. "If this way can make you feel happy again, I really understand," said by Louis very calmly.

" But, we still are best friend, aren't we?" Vivian asked Louis.

" Yes, best friend." Louis tried to keep her tears in her eyes and not to cried.

"I can't believe I had just said such cruel thing to you. I can't even believe what had I just done. I think I won't dare to think about it now. Perhaps, until you go to America, I would dare to thinking how cruel I just did to you.", said by Vivian.

"I hope you will find a man who really loves you and gives you what I can never give you." Louis said.

Louis had tried to save their relationship once, but this time, she knew it's over. She can never give Vivian a secure love as she needs. No matter how hard Louis tries, Louis knows Vivian won't belong to her, if she doesn't belong to Louis all along.

Although Louis was so anguished, she pretended be happy in front of anyone. No one had seen her cry, but she did cry. She cried when she took show; she cried when she lay on her bed. However, she never cried aloud, and she even covered a pillow over her head when she cried. She never talks about it, and no one even knows about it. She felt so alone and hated herself can't change anything in her life. The only person in the world knows her pain is Vivian. She told Louis now she knew that sometime people appear happily because they don't want people to see the sorrow deeply in their heart. She is right, and I can feel it, too. Because, I am Louis.

I never using this name since Vivian broke up with me. I never hate Vivian because she dumped me, and I never hate anyone. The only person I hate is myself. I don't hate people don't accept me as who I am, but I hate myself can't changing anything. There's only one thing in my life, I am glad I can't change it. That's my sexuality. As a Harvard University statistician David Wypij said, " You may be more heterosexual, you may be more homosexual." I am more homosexual, and I accept that. I can't change it and I don't want to change it. Vivian and I have broken up for almost 3 years. Still, we are the best friends. She had finally found someone she loves last year, and I wish they have a good ending. To be frankly, I still love her so deeply, but only thing I can do, now, is to wish her happiness. For me, nothing is better than knowing she is happy and having takes a good care by someone she loves. I can only, and always, be a guardian angel for Vivian; be there whenever she needs a shoulder to cry on; be there wherever she needs me; be there admire her in my secret mind. For me, having a person to love me once a life time is enough. I am, now, a dead man walking. I have hiding my feeling behind me since she left me. Because I don't want to hurt anyone-- and I don't mean to--anymore. I am only a mortal. I, too, have my feeling. But the reality not allows me to have my feeling. As a line of poetry from an 18 year old gay male, "I am deaf to my own issues, deaf to my peers." All my friends now don't know who I really am, and I hope to keep it that way. I don't expecting them to accept me as who I am. All I want is just to live in my own private land, a kingdom full of peace and love, a place without judgment and discrimination. Since the day I knew I am a lesbian, I knew I would be alone. However, I still have a best friend Vivian--my immortal beloved--and that's enough. But I don't mind if there were more accompanies join my kingdom. I believe love will find a way, and I want to bless all of you would find your true love, and hope someday, I can find mine, too.





PS. This is an academic paper I wrote at the end of 1996. It's a true story. In order to protecting the characters in the story, I did some necessary change of their names. However, I did used to use Louis as my nickname. But, it’s gone with the affair between me and my ex-girl-friend. I am Jacob, now. And I am a pretender.




. "Many Have Gay Stirring," David Wypij.
http://www.webcom.com/`kris/attract.html. Nov. 22,1996
."Gay Youth Poem,"
URL http://www.tcp.com:8000/qrd/youth/lgbt.youth.poem
Nov. 22,1996

Ain't a Luv Story

 

Ain't a Luv Story



Written on Nov.28, 1999



你都是怎麼交朋友的呢？

早期，有人喜歡交筆友。

取一些只有瓊瑤小說裡才有的筆名，

和遠在他方的陌生人，談一些平時也不敢跟人說的祕密。

有人信通了一輩子，都只是筆友，

也有人，後來結了婚。

可是有一種人，從來不交筆友。

就是那種字很醜的人。

後來，有人發明了網際網路，

天啊！他真是字很醜人的救星。

Alex就是那種字很醜的人。

接觸internet，是Alex去美國之後的事了！

學校給了每個學生一個free的e-mail account。

早期，給的全是一大串數字的account name。

信箱裡，都是00210394，01392374，12345678等的來信。

後來進步了，使用者開始可以自己取個暱稱了。

可是，Alex還是不熱衷於上網交朋友。

為甚麼？

因為.......，因為我也不知道？

也許是Alex打字速度慢吧！

每次去Computer Lab一坐下來。

兩旁的美國人，都用飛快的速度，敲打著鍵盤。

有些人，甚至可以不必看螢幕的，

眼睛盯著書看，手霹靂啪啦的打著字。

Alex想，她也可以像他們那樣的打，

只是，她打出來的，可能需要專業人員，

才能將那些天外來的密碼解出來！

坐在那裡，用著她的一指神功，好像有點丟台灣人的臉。

Alex索性呢！就不喜歡去那丟人現眼了！ 



後來，Alex自己買了電腦，英打的速度是加快了，

只是，上網，也只是上去sinanet，

看看台灣的新聞，和找找課堂要用的資料罷了！

常上網找人聊天，是Alex回到台灣之後的事了！

在美國，Alex養成了一個壞習慣，

就是不到半夜三更睡不著。

在美國，她過著台灣時間，

回到台灣，她過著美國時間。

為了要打發那些夜裡無聊的時間，

Alex開始在夜裡漫遊於茫茫網海之中。

那天，Alex下了班，

回到家，家裡沒半個人在家。

爸、媽又去應酬了！

在七、八十個電視頻道裡轉著，

沒一個好看的電視。

拿起遙控器，把電視關掉。

看看窗外，又開始下起雨來了！

梅雨的五月，雨總是下的令人心煩。

算了！上網去吧！ 



進了自己的房裡，Alex打開PowerBook，連上線。

去那個拉拉的網站看看好了！

回台灣後，Alex習慣上網去看一些拉拉的文章。

看別人的心情，彷彿自己的一樣。

Alex也只有在網上，才能卸下那一個沈重的面具。

「叮噹！叮噹！」 爸媽怎麼會忘了帶鑰匙呢？

Alex趕緊把網頁先跳到sinanet去，掩飾一下。

趕快先去開門！

「你好！」

「你好！有事嗎？」Alex看著陌生的女孩問著。

「我爸叫我拿房租來給你們！」女孩靦腆的說著。

原來是跟她們租房子的房客。

看她好像被這陣臨時雨給淋溼了。

「你進來坐一下好了！我拿條毛巾給你，你看你都淋溼了！」

「不用了！我再衝回去就好了！不必麻煩了！」她推辭著。

「進來喝杯熱茶吧！等雨小一點再走！

雖然只是隔幾條街，還是等雨小了再走安全些！」Alex堅持。

「那我就打擾了！不好意思！」她略帶口音的說著。

Alex請她在客廳裡坐著，進去拿了條毛巾、倒了杯熱茶給她。

「謝謝！」

「你好像不是台灣人喔！抱歉！我這樣冒昧的問你！」

Alex看著年輕的她，Alex猜她大慨只有十八、九歲吧！

「不會啦！你猜的沒錯，我是馬來西亞人！」

「我就說嘛！你和我那些馬來西亞朋友的口音很像！你是KL人嗎？」

「嗯！」她點點頭，她滿可愛的，很像個鄰家小妹妹。

「真的啊！我有很多KL的朋友喔！」Alex笑著，覺得和她有種親切的感覺。

「在這裡嗎？」她問著。

「不是啦！是我在美國唸書時的朋友啦！」

「喔！ 真羨慕你，我也很想去美國唸書的！

只是，得陪著爸爸來台灣做生意........」

「對了！你們家就是那家新的廣式茶樓嘛！

我和我爸、媽去吃過，你們家的點心都很好吃喔！」

Alex想到點心，又開始嘴饞起來了。

「謝謝你！」她笑了笑。

「對了！我都忘了問你叫甚麼名字！我叫Alex！」

Alex禮貌性的伸出手。

「我叫Summer，你好！」她和Alex握握手。

房間裡一直傳來喔喔的聲音。

「甚麼聲音啊？」她瞪著水汪汪的大眼問Alex。

「喔！我剛剛上線忘了關，大概是有朋友q我吧！」

Alex竟然忘了自己還沒下線呢！

「你要去看看嗎？」她問Alex。

「沒關係啦！有事她會留言的！你上網嗎？」

「我以前在KL時常上，現在家裡還沒有電腦，所以好久沒上了。」

Alex看小女孩好像有些無奈。

「你要不要用我的電腦試試？」Alex問她。

「可以嗎？」她像個要糖吃的小孩，露出渴望的眼神。

「當然可以啊！走！我帶你去！」



Summer跟在Alex身後，進去Alex的房間。

還好Alex去開門前把拉拉的網站換成了Sinanet。

「你也上新浪網啊？」Summer看著Alex的電腦螢幕。

「嗯.....是啊！看小說、查信，以前在美國時常上來看。」

Alex心虛的說著。

「我以前常去她的緣Club喔！交交朋友、看看世界！」

Summer說。

「那你要不要再去看看呢？」Alex幫她把椅子拉開。

「謝謝你！」Summer開始熟悉的上線著。

Alex在一旁翻翻她的雜誌，她不想打擾Summer的隱私。

「你看，這個人和我住同一個城市、

念同一所學校，她也喜歡看Titanic喔！」

Summer像是他鄉遇故知似的，高興的秀給Alex看。

「那你就和她通通E-Mail啊！也許你們以前認識也說不定喔！」

「可是，我現在沒有account喔！........」Summer有點惋惜的說著。

「你現在apply啊！你可以用我的電腦check Mail！我隨時歡迎！」

「可是......」Summer有點不好意思。

「沒關係啦！我知道那種在異鄉的孤獨。

可以有管道和同鄉的朋友連絡，是治療Home sick最好的良藥啊！」

「謝謝你！Alex！」 Summer回頭跟Alex笑了笑。

「不客氣！我的Summer妹妹！ 

你今年幾歲啊！看起來很年輕的樣子！」

「我都二十了！你呢？」Summer反問Alex。

「大你五歲！」

「不會吧！看不出來喔！」Summer說完又繼續打著電腦。

她馬上Apply了一個新的email account，

寄信給那位叫做Xena的朋友。

Alex幫她play了Titanic的Soundtrack。

然後繼續看她的雜誌。

「嗯！我寫好了！

謝謝你！還有你動人的音樂！

我告訴她，我也很喜歡Titanic喔！

有你的音樂相稱，害我想起她的劇情，有點想哭喔！」

Summer看看躺在床上看書的Alex。

「不必跟我那麼客氣啦！

還有，千萬不能哭喔！

我最怕人家哭了！

你以後可以常來上網，如果我在家的話！」

「謝謝你！對了！

我把我的Password寫在這裡，還有我的電話。

你可以幫我check email嗎？

如果有我的信，可以打電話通知我嗎？」

「如果你信任我的話！」Alex把書闔上。

「還在下雨，我送你回去好了！」Alex看看窗外的雨滴。

「不用了！只有幾條街而已。可以跟你借把傘嗎？」Summer說。

「我還是覺得應該送你回去，你一個小女孩，我不放心。」

Alex堅持要送Summer。

「我不小了啦！可是有個伴相陪，也很好啊！那就麻煩你了！」

Summer看著蓄著一頭帥氣短髮的Alex，心突然跳的好快。

Alex幫Summer打開門，滂沱大雨像瀑布似的下著。

Alex打開傘，將Summer緊緊的摟在身邊。

深怕這大雨會把Summer又淋溼了。

到台灣幾個月以來，Alex是第一個對Summer那麼好的人。

Summer突然希望這段回家的路，可以長一點。



剛約會回來的Xena，習慣性的打開她的PC。

KL的夏天又悶又溼又熱的。

「熱死了！咦！新的email！」Xena轉身打開冷氣先。

「Summer? 邊個喔?」Xena遲疑的打開信箱。

「嗨！你好！

我在網上看到你的資料，覺得你的名字很有趣，Xena。

你是不是像希臘神話裡的Warrior Princess Xena一樣的勇敢呢？

你好，我叫Summer，因為在夏天出生，所以叫做Summer。

我也是從KL來的喔！

現在因為父親工作的關係，我們一家人都在台灣。

我今年二十歲，是一個女孩喔！

你不會因為我是女生而不和我做朋友吧？

我已經覺得你是我的好朋友了喔！

因為我們住同一個城市、念同一所中學、而且我也喜歡Titanic喔！

期待你的回信！

希望能和你成為好朋友喔！

Summer」

Xena看完Mail，笑了笑。

「我真的很勇敢嗎？」Xena問著自己。



星期六下午，Summer在父親的餐廳裡忙碌著。

週末的生意特別好，很多喝下午茶的顧客。

鈴........

「喂！XX茶樓你好！」

Summer邊幫客人結帳，邊接起身旁的電話。

「我要二籠叉燒包、魚翅餃、蘿蔔糕，

然後我要Summer幫我送來！」

Alex故意鬧著Summer。

聽到Alex的聲音，Summer覺得好開心，她甜蜜的笑著。

「你別鬧了！我知道是你啦！很抱歉，我們不外送的！」

Summer故意嚴肅的說著。

「喔！那真是可惜！

因為有你的Email喔！ 你不能蹺班嗎？」Alex說。

「不好啦！今天店裡生意很好，我走不開啦！

Xena真的有回我信！好高興喔！

對了！Alex，你今天不用上班嗎？

哦！等等........歡迎光臨！」Summer連忙跟客人打招呼著。

「嗯...」Alex輕聲的笑著。

「你真的很忙喔！這禮拜周休二日，所以睡到現在才起來啊！」

Alex伸伸懶腰。

「那我一會去找你好嗎？我肚子餓了。」

「好啊！我跟你說，我真的很忙。等一下再跟你聊！」

Summer請要結帳的客人稍等一下。

「你去忙吧！一會見！Bye！」Alex掛上電話。

「歡迎光臨！小姐請問幾位？」

 Summer招呼著剛走進來的女客人。

「兩位！」Alex從後面趕了上來說著。

「Alex？」Summer有些驚訝、卻也有些失望。

「Summer，我跟你介紹一下，這是我朋友， Fannie。

Fannie，這是我跟你提過那位KL來的小朋友，Summer。」

Fannie親切的笑著。

「你好！剛聽過你的大名！」Fannie伸手和Summer表示友好。

「你好！第一次見到你！

還有！我要抗議！我不是小朋友啦！叫Alex別再這樣叫我了啦！」

Summer向Fannie抗議著。

Fannie 是一個很清秀的女子，不是那麼的驚艷，卻很耐人尋味。

Summer有些忌妒她的優雅，她和Alex，是怎樣的朋友呢？

她在心裡想著。

「喂！小朋友！你在發甚麼呆啊？請問我們要坐哪裡呢？」

Alex拍拍Summer的肩。

「喔！這邊請！」 Summer幫她們帶位。

Alex幫Fannie拉開椅子，然後自己坐下。

「下午茶是自助的，Please help yourself！你們要喝甚麼茶呢？」

Alex看著Fannie，她只是一個眼神，Alex好像知道她要甚麼。

「菊普，謝謝！」Alex微笑的看著Summer。

「好！line在那裡，請你們去拿菜吧！」

Summer看著去拿菜的兩人，

有點忌妒她們之間的默契。

「我在想甚麼！我和她昨天才認識的！我又瞭解她多少？」

Summer邊泡著茶，邊自言自語著。

回到櫃台的Summer，眼神一直留意著Alex和Fannie。

她們說說笑笑的，

好想比普通朋友還要親密一些。

Alex一抬頭，正好看見正在看她的Summer。

Summer趕緊左顧右盼的避開她的眼光。

Alex向她招了招手，示意要Summer過來一下。

「沒茶了嗎？我拿去回沖。」Summer說。

「沒有啦！我看現在客人少一些，可以過來和我們聊聊嗎？」

Alex拉開身邊的椅子，請Summer坐。

「好啊！」Summer坐了下來。

「我聽Alex說，你是從KL來的，

我以前在美國時的好朋友，也是KL人喔！」

Fannie說著。

「謝謝！」Summer接過Alex幫她到的茶。

「是嗎？那你和Alex是在美國唸書時的同學嘍？」

Summer喝了一口茶。

「我和她一起去美國、一起畢業。」Fannie看了Alex一眼。

「真羨慕你們，有伴相陪.....」Summer覺得心中的酸味，又濃了起來。

「Summer，你在台灣沒有其他的朋友嗎？」Fannie有點同情Summer。

「沒有！我一直都在餐廳做工。休假也關在家看電視。

認識很多客人，可是只是見面時客套的招呼話。

Alex算是我第一個認識的台灣朋友吧！」

Summer看著Alex。

「現在開始，我和Fannie都是你的好朋友！有事可以找我們。」

Alex安慰Summer。

Fannie拿起筆，寫了自己的電話給Summer。

「這是我的電話，有甚麼事，可以call我！」Fannie把電話遞給Summer。

「Summer你順便記下我的。」Alex說。

Summer把紙遞給Alex。

「不要啦！我字很醜！我念你寫啦！」Alex又把紙筆拿給Summer。

「哎呦！懶蟲！我幫你寫好了！」Fannie接過紙筆寫上Alex的電話。

「Fannie我覺得你很漂亮喔！你有男朋友嗎？」 Summer想打探一下Fannie。

「呃...！謝謝你的誇獎！男朋友嗎？有啊！」

Fannie被Summer突如其來的問題嚇了一跳。

「真的啊！你們在一起多久了啊？

下一次可以介紹給我認識嗎？」

Summer繼續問著。

Fannie抬頭看著Alex。

「嗯！我和他是青梅竹馬。認識一輩子了！

你想見他嗎？改天好了！」

Fannie跟Summer笑了笑。

「那你呢？在馬來西亞有沒有要好的男朋友呢？」

Fannie也反問著Summer。

「沒有！我只暗戀過一個同校的同學！」Summer小聲的說著。

「改天幫你介紹一下好了！我堂弟不錯喔！」Alex好心的說著。

「不用了！我相信緣份！好了我得回去做工了！」Summer想逃開。

「好吧！我和Fannie也該走了！

你晚上要來查信嗎？我可能會很晚才回來說......」

「沒關係啦！我今天也要忙到很晚！

拜一好了！我休假，我再call你！」

Summer不想打擾她們倆的weekend。

「那好吧！拜一見！」

Alex和Fannie一起站起身，準備去結帳。

「Bye！」Alex和Fannie一起和Summer道別。

Summer看著她們一前一後的走出餐廳。

看著漸漸走遠的兩人，她的眼光還是不捨得離開Alex。

就在她們離開餐廳不遠處，Summer看見Alex握住Fannie的手。

她們牽著手，往Alex的車走去。

Summer覺得她的心又碎了。 



「喂！Alex嗎？」Summer在電話那頭說著。

「喔！Summer妹妹啊！你現在要過來嗎？」Alex問。

「可以嗎？」Summer想確定一下。

「好啊！我等你！」



叮咚....

「你來了啊！進來吧！」 Alex請Summer進來坐。

「Fannie沒來嗎？」Summer看看四周。

「她在她家啊！你想找她嗎？」

「沒有！我只是問問罷了！」

「你去上網吧！你喝Coke嗎？」Alex準備幫Summer拿點飲料。

「好啊！謝謝！」Summer雖然第二次來，卻好像自己家一樣。

她看到Xena給她的回信。

「你好！Summer！

我是Xena，很高興接到你的信！

我當然願意和你交個朋友啊！

也許我們在學校就認識了喔！

可是我比你大一歲，也許我們在校園裡見過面喔！

台灣好玩嗎？

你幾時會回來馬來西亞呢？

我今年剛從大學畢業，現在還在找工當中。

可是經濟不景氣，好的工實在不好找。

我很勇敢嗎？

我想我並沒有你想像中的勇敢喔！

還好呱！

至少現在是這樣。

很高興和你交朋友！

祝你一切平安！

Xena」 



「你的可樂！」Alex把Coke遞給Summer。

「謝謝！」

「那我不吵你了！」Alex坐回床上看著雜誌。

「Alex，你為甚麼叫Alex啊？」Summer問。

「Alex is short for Alexandria，不是Alexander。

你是要問著個對嗎？

很多人都問我怎麼取了個這麼male的名字。」

其實，取這個名字的好處，就是她是很中性的名字。

可以是個男生的名字，也可以是女生的名。

Alex在心中想著。

「原來是這樣！」

「不然你以為？」Alex反問Summer。

「沒有啦！ 你和Fannie這個weekend玩得好嗎？」

「很好啊！和幾個朋友聚聚、聊聊天的！」

這時Alex的手機在Summer身旁的桌上響起。

Summer瞄到螢幕，好像是Fannie打來的。

「Hello！」Alex接起電話。

「嗯！她在！」Alex看了Summer一下。

「Summer妹妹！Fannie跟你問好！」

Alex跟一旁回信的Summer說著。

「Fannie姊好！」Summer也大聲的問候著Fannie。

「她現在在回email，你等一下。」Alex要Fannie等等。

「Summer你繼續上網，我到客廳聽電話。」

「ok！」Summer目送Alex出去。

「我想，她們也許真的是一對的......」

Summer抱著痛楚的心，繼續回著mail。



今天的interview好像滿順利的，

Xena帶著愉悅的心情回家。

「啊！你來了！」Xena開門，看見她的朋友已經在她家等她。

「今天找工找的怎樣？」阿Ken從身後抱著Xena。

「好像很有希望喔！她們要我下星期去覆試喔！」 Xena轉身抱住阿Ken。

「這樣好！那我們去慶祝一下！」阿Ken說。

「好啊！好啊！」Xena開心的抱住阿Ken。

「你都打扮好了，那我先去沖個涼！你等我！」阿Ken說。

「嗯！」

Xena趁著空檔，check email。

Summer終於回信了！

Xena趕緊打開看看。

「Xena你好！

抱歉那麼久才回你的信。

因為一些事情耽擱了。

其實，有一些事一直困擾著我。

可是，卻沒有人瞭解我的痛楚，

也沒有人可以接受。

我想跟Xena借一點勇氣。

因為現在，我還沒有那個勇氣，把我的心事告訴你。

但是，我相信有一天，我一定會告訴你的！

我想，我短時間之內，是不會回去馬來西亞的。

因為經濟不景氣，爸爸的生意多少也有些影響。

暫時是不回去了！

不過我如果有機會回去KL，我一定會去和你見面的！

我說真的喔！到時候，你可別不理我呦！

最後，祝你有個美好的人生！

Summer。」



後來的幾天，Alex和Fannie有空，就會去店裡找Summer聊天。

偶而也會等Summer下了班，帶她和朋友們一起去KTV唱唱歌。

頑皮的Summer有時會故意夾在Alex和Fannie的中間。

Alex和Fannie也不介意，只是把她像自己的妹妹一樣看待。

Summer常常在一旁，偷偷觀察Alex和Fannie。

和朋友出去時，她們彼此總會保持一定的距離。

可是，她們彼此眉目之間的默契，卻是不容否認的。

Summer常在心中問自己。

Alex和Fannie真的是一對的嗎？

如果她們不是呢？

如果我告訴Alex我喜歡的人，是她。她又會接受我嗎？

還是她會離我而去。

不要，我不想這樣，

她是我在台灣唯一的好朋友了！

我不要失去她！

我只要像現在這樣，和Alex、Fannie一起。

只要能和Alex一起就好！

和Xena通信也快一個月了！ Summer覺得Xena是個很貼心的朋友。

她總是會聽完Summer的故事，然後給她支持和鼓勵。

Alex說得沒錯，和Xena通信，變成她治療鄉愁的良藥。

Summer也固定每隔兩天，就去找Alex家的電腦報到！

「唉！你來了啊！」Alex正好要準備出門。

「是啊！你要出去嗎？」Summer看著神色匆匆的Alex。

「嗯！Summer，你自己上網吧！

你知道怎麼做的！ 要回去時，跟我家人說一聲就好！我先走了！」

「你要上哪去啊？可以和你一起去嗎？」Summer想留住Alex。

「對不起！Summer，Fannie不舒服，現在在醫院打點滴。

我要去醫院接她，今晚可能會去照顧她。

你不用擔心，上網之後就自己回去喔！」

Alex打開門。

「對了！你回家小心點喔！」Alex轉過身摸摸Summer的頭，便離去。

Summer打開Alex的電腦，看著Xena給她的回信。

她的淚順著她可愛的臉龐，偷偷的流下。

「如果是我生病了，Alex也會像這樣照顧我嗎？」

她邊哭、邊敲下給Xena的信。



從醫院把Fannie接回來的Alex，摻扶著Fannie，幫她打開房門。

「你小心點！」Alex扶著Fannie，讓她坐了下來。

「謝謝你！」Fannie看著Alex。

「我幫你倒杯水！」Alex說。

Fannie拉住Alex的手，要她坐在她的身邊。

「怎麼了？」Alex撫摸著Fannie消瘦的臉龐。

「沒有！我只是想抱著你！」Fannie緊抱著Alex。

「小傻瓜！我們都老夫老妻了！」Alex將Fannie抱滿懷。

「你好一點了沒？下午接到你的電話，把我急死了！」 Alex在Fannie眉間輕吻。

「對不起！大慨是這幾天工作太累了！

今天又忙的整天都沒空吃點東西，才會在公司暈倒。 害你擔心了！」

Fannie靠在Alex胸前。

「是我沒把你照顧好！是我不對！我該.......」

Fannie摀住Alex的唇，不想聽Alex說那個字。

Alex吻著Fannie遮住Alex唇的手。

慢慢的，她們找到彼此的唇。

「Alex，我好愛你！」Fannie幸福的躺在Alex胸前。

Alex把玩著Fannie的長髮，靜靜的和Fannie躺在Fannie的床上。

「我也愛你！一直沒變！」Alex把Fannie抱的更緊了。

「可是.....我覺得Summer好像很喜歡你。」Fannie翻過身壓在Alex身上。

「你在跟我開玩笑啊！

你知道的！我一直就把她當作自己的妹妹一樣。

我疼她，是因為我把她當作自己的親妹妹。

我不是都告訴你了嗎？」Alex捏捏Fannie的鼻子。

「我知道啊！ 可是，女人的直覺告訴我，她也喜歡你！

沒關係啊！這樣至少證明我老公還是很搶手的喔！」

Fannie在Alex唇上印上她的唇印。

然後趁Alex回吻她時，輕咬了Alex的唇。

「哎呦！很痛呢！What for?」Alex抗議著。

「如果Summer真的喜歡你怎麼辦？」Fannie輕抹著Alex的唇。

「告訴她，我愛我的老婆！然後讓你認她當妹妹嘍！」

Alex趁機咬住Fannie的手指頭。

「啊！痛！討厭啦！欺負病人！」Fannie開始和Alex打鬧著。



Xena終於找到工作了！

剛開始的Training，把Xena累壞了！

可是她總是固定的上網，看看Summer給她的信。 聽聽她在台灣的趣事。

「太好了！Summer又回我信了！」Xena看著她的電腦螢幕。

「這次的Subject竟然是secret？

Summer有怎樣的祕密呢？」

Xena迫不急待的打開Summer的信。

「Hi Xena,

我覺得我們很有緣，來自同一個城市，念同一所學校。

可是為何我們現在才認識彼此呢？

不過我想應該還不算太遲，不是嗎？

在學校裡，你高我一年，不知道你認不認識一個人？

我也不知道該怎麼跟你形容她。

因為我也不知道她的名字。

我和我的朋友，都很想認識她，

可是我們都沒那個勇氣走向她，和她說話。

我想你也知道，在我們學校裡，有很多Tomboy。

可是我不知道她是不是，雖然她看起來很像。

我也沒見過她和其他的Tomboy聚在一起，

所以，我實在不確定她是不是。

我和我的朋友，每天都跟在她的身旁，就是為了見她一面。

現在想想，我真的好笨喔！怎麼不會上前和她介紹一下我自己呢！

也許Xena也不知道她是誰，因為我也不知道她的名字。

她真的給我很特別的感覺！

她的眼神充滿了智慧。

不過她也許是個笨蛋也說不定喔！呵呵！

她看起來還滿順眼的，只是有點瘦。

哇！說了那麼久，我還是不知道她的名字喔！

真是沮喪！

我曾看過她的name-tag。

不過，我只知道她姓陳。

我當時很想去認識她！可是，我也不知道，我沒那個勇氣。

幾個月後，我就不在跟著她了！

現在，我好像又遇到相同的情況。

我遇見一個台灣人，她對我很好！

就像對妹妹一樣！

我好喜歡她，可是，我卻不敢告訴她。

Xena，這是我的祕密。

Xena會不會因為我是拉拉，所以不要我這個朋友了呢？

如果你認識我先前告訴你的那個人，可不可以別告訴她我的事呢！

因為她根本不知道我是誰。

Anyway，我覺得Xena已經是我的好朋友了。

Don't go away from me！ 你是我的secret friend。

對了！你可以告訴我一些你的事嗎？

因為好像都是我在說話！

對了！關於我暗戀別人的事，你千萬別放在心上。

因為我知道，你不會瞭解我的心情！

可是，那無所謂啦！

重要的是，Xena現在是我的best friend! OK?

Summer」

看完信的Xena，愣住了！

她不知道該怎麼回Summer。

原來Summer口中，一直困擾著她的事，是因為她是Lesbian！

此時Xena腦中，浮現了一個人的影像。

其實，她知道Summer高中時代暗戀過的那個人。

而且，非常的熟悉！

因為那是她的阿Ken啊！

Xena心想，我該怎麼跟Summer說，其實，我也是個Lesbian呢？

大家都戴著這個沈重的面具許久，她該怎麼以她的真面目示人呢？

尤其是對Summer。

她們是在一個不是拉拉的網站認識的。

她很高興能和Summer變成要好的網友。

只是她沒料到的是，Summer原來也和她一樣，是個拉拉。

可是，她真的沒有勇氣，她甚至一直都不敢告訴Summer她的祕密。

「Summer，其實你真的很勇敢！」

Xena看著Summer給她的信，她很想跟她說些甚麼。

只是，她更想和她的阿Ken說說話。

「Hello，阿Ken...........」Xena撥通了電話。

「我..............愛你！」

翌日，Xena匆忙的下了班。

打開電腦，她想趕快發一封信，回給Summer。

她想告訴她，她真的知道她的感受！

因為她也是！

「奇怪！怎麼都沒有聲音？」Xena檢查著她的電腦。

「怎麼都撥不出去？是不是Modem壞了喔？」

Xena試了好幾次，果真是Modem壞了。

「真是的！怎麼這時候壞了！要修理又不知道幾時才會好喔？」 Xena抱怨著。

「只好等修好再回她了。希望她不會介意呱......」

Xena雖很想馬上回Summer，可是也只有等Modem修好了再說了。



一個禮拜過去，Summer一直都沒有等到Xena的回信。

Summer變得很沮喪。

Xena會不會真的害怕，而不想和她連絡了呢？

Summer後悔自己跟Xena說得太多。

這天，她又準時的來找Alex。

「嗨！Summer妹妹！你來了啊！」Alex跟Summer打招呼。

「你今天還要和Fannie姊出去嗎？」Summer希望她聽到的答案是否定的。

「沒有！今天她要加班！」Alex跟她笑了笑。

Summer開心了一下。

「對了！你明天不是要和你媽媽去玩嗎？」Alex問Summer。

「是啊！要去環島喔！」Summer俏皮的回答著。

「真幸福喔！好好去玩吧！記得要幫我買一些名產喔！」

「是的！遵命！」Summer故意說著。

「幹嗎啊！」Alex笑著推了Summer一把。

Alex幫Summer打開radio，就去客廳看電視去了。

她不想影響Summer，任何一方面都是。

Summer看著空空的信箱，Xena還是沒回信。

可是她還是send了一封email給Xena。

「我有點後悔，我告訴你太多我的事了！

每天，我都希望能有你的回音。

可是，我不得不承認，我覺得有點失望、有點失落。

沒關係啦！我知道發生了甚麼事。

畢竟，很少有人可以接受一個同性戀者，作做為自己的好朋友。

也許是我想太多了！

也許，你不是這樣的人！

喔！對了！我明天要和我媽媽去參加環島旅行喔！

我希望回來時，可以接到Xena你的來信喔！

一個禮拜，然後我就會回來喔！

希望還可以收到你的信喔！

Take care！ Summer」

「Alex，我要走了！」Summer叫著在看電視的Alex。

「這麼早！我還打算要進去和你聊聊天說。我送你吧！」

Alex陪Summer散步回家。

「Alex，為甚麼都沒見過Fannie姊的男友呢？

都一個月了！她都沒介紹給我認識呢？」Summer刻意打探著。

「會的！有時間她會介紹你認識的！」Alex看著天上的新月。

「你和她認識很久了吧！好羨慕你們喔！」Summer說。

「嗯！很久了！不過，你也認識了我們啊！

我們的友誼，雖然才開始一個多月，但我相信，我們也會是一輩子的好朋友喔！

是吧！我的Summer妹妹！」Alex用手肘撞了Summer一下。

「在你心理，我真的像你妹妹一樣嗎？」Summer希望聽到不一樣的答案。

「是啊！你就像我親妹妹一樣！

我一定費給你“好好”啊照顧的！」Alex故意用著台灣國語開Summer玩笑。

「呵！討厭啦！」 Summer表面上笑著，可是心理卻想，為何只能像妹妹那樣。

「那你對Fannie姊呢？」

「她是我的好朋友！」Alex冷靜的回答她。

Alex心想，Summer不會真的也喜歡她吧！

「比妹妹還親？」Summer問。

Alex心想，要怎麼回答，才不會傷害她呢？

可是，她又不希望Summer為她再陷下去。

「妹妹是親人，朋友是朋友啊！」Alex答道

「是這樣嗎？」Summer還是有些許的失望。

「對了！你生日快到了！我買一台電腦給你好不好？」Alex問。

「不要！」Summer很快的回絕。

如果她答應了，那她唯一可以親近Alex的機會，也就沒了。

「為甚麼？這樣你就不用跑來跑去的！

我也不用擔心你夜裡走這段路的安危啊！」Alex問Summer。

「不是啦！那太貴重了！我不能要！」Summer解釋著。

「沒關係！那是我和你Fannie姊的一點心意。你一定要接受喔！」

「好吧..........」Summer勉為其難的答應了。

「好了！你家到了！晚安！」Alex跟Summer道別。

「其實，我........」 Summer好想說，其實我好喜歡你。可是卻開不了口。

「怎麼了？有甚麼心事就告訴我啊！」Alex看著Summer。

「沒有啦！我是說，其實我真的很幸運，可以遇到你和Fannie這麼好的朋友。

那我明天一早就要和媽媽一起去玩嘍！ 一個禮拜後見了！」

Summer還是沒能告訴Alex，她喜歡她。

「嗯！一路順風嘍！記得..」Alex的話被Summer搶去說。

「要買名產回來！是的！我一定會買來孝敬你的！」Summer純真的笑著。

「你喔！」Alex打了Summer的頭一下。

「好了！晚安！」Alex和Summer道過晚安之後，就轉身離去。

Summer看著Alex的背影在昏暗的街燈下，是那麼的孤獨。

「其實，我是愛你的。只是，看著你，我卻無法說出口.......」

Summer惆悵的轉身走回家去。



Xena終於把Modem修好了！

她迫不急待的回了信給Summer。

她打開信箱，看到那封Summer告訴她，她要去玩一個星期的email。

她知道Summer現在看不到她的信。

她也只好等幾天了，也許，她很快就會有回音了。

「Dear Summer,

對不起！我的Modem壞了！

所以延誤了回信的時間，我並沒有不理你的意思。

所以請你放心！

我不會因為你是拉拉，所以不要你這個朋友的！

你真的很勇敢！ 你真的比Xena還要勇敢！

我很欣賞你的勇氣！

其實，我也很想告訴你，我也和你一樣。

是的！我也是拉拉！ 可是我沒有那個勇氣告訴任何人。

我有一個很要好的伴侶，除了她之外，幾乎沒有人知道我拉拉的身分。

我們都帶著這個沈重的面具太久了！

所以，我不敢輕易的告訴你，我拉子的身分。

不是我信不過你，只是，我沒那個勇氣，

我不應該叫Xena的。

真的很高興，可以在這樣的情況下遇見你。

我真的很珍惜和你的這份友誼。

你的台灣環島之旅還好嗎？

希望早日收到你的回信。

你永遠的secret friend,

Xena」

寫完信後的幾天，Xena一直努力的查著信。

可是遲遲等不到Summer給她的回信。

幾個星期過去了，還是毫無Summer的音訊。

Xena一直很後悔那天沒有馬上回Summer的信。

也許，她真的以為我是因為她是拉拉，所以才不回她信的。

幾個星期後的某一天，Xena終於接到Summer的回信。

Xena高興的打開信箱。

「Xena， 你好！

我知道你是Summer最要好的朋友。

她常常在聊天時，和我們談到你。

所以，有一件事，我不得不告訴你。

是關於Summer的事。

她之所以遲遲沒回你的信，是因為，幾個星期前的一個旅行中。

他們乘坐的遊覽車，不幸發生了意外。

Summer她.........過世了。

很抱歉現在才告訴你這個消息。

我們已經為她辦完了後事，她的父親，會把她的骨灰帶回吉隆坡。

希望你能和我們一起，為她祈禱，希望她能早日到達西方極樂世界。

重新開始新的人生。

為了Summer，也請你多保重!

Alex」

「怎麼可能？怎麼會這樣！

我還有好多話要和Summer說的！ 她怎麼可以就這樣走了！

她才20歲，還有那麼多的事等著她去做！ 為什麼？」

原本滿心歡喜的看著Summer給她的回信，怎知，這竟是一封斷腸信。

「為甚麼會這樣！

原本以為可以和你變成無話不談的好朋友。

只是現在，真的沒有話可談了！一切都太遲了！」

Xena看著眼前的email，淚水奔騰的流下。

兩台電腦，一條看不見的線，把不相識的兩人，在網路上連在一起。

兩個不相識的人，因為一封在網路上穿梭的信，而拉緊彼此的距離。

而你我，也許近在咫尺，卻如此的陌生。

人們說，網路是虛擬的世界，一切都是虛幻的。

可是真實的世界，真的比虛擬的世界真切嗎？

「你沒事吧？」Fannie從Alex身後，緊緊抱住看著Summer信箱的她。

「我沒事，只是.......我真的沒想到Summer喜歡的人是我。

我是說，我一直把她當親妹妹一樣的看待。

我也喜歡她，但只是對一個妹妹的疼愛。

現在她往生了，我真的很難過。

就像失去一個親生妹妹似的。

為甚麼上天要這樣的安排呢？」Alex哭紅了眼。

「你別這樣.....」Fannie不捨的吻著Alex的淚。

「今天我們送Summer最後一程，希望她能早日投胎，真正找到她的真愛。

明天呢？明天又會如何呢？

Fannie！謝謝你，在這一路上，一直陪著我。 我真的不能沒有你！」

Alex把Fannie抱得更緊些。

「Summer雖然走了，可是她卻教了我很多東西。

我會更珍惜和你這份得來不易的感情。

我會一直陪著你走下去，

不管我們未來的路會有多苦。

Alex.......我愛你！」Fannie靠在Alex懷裡。

「我也愛你！」Alex看著她懷中的愛人，感謝老天賜給她這麼好的兩個女子。

The Beach

 

The Beach



Written on Oct, 1999



那天，在誠品裡閒逛，

在一堆新書掩蓋的書叢裡，看見一本設計顯眼的新書。

學設計的我，順手的將它拿起翻閱一番。

是一本網頁設計的書，

介紹一些設計新穎、又酷、又炫的外國Homepage。

挺喜歡它的設計手法。

當我翻閱到最後一頁時，

其中一位作者，也是那本書Designer的名字，

震懾了我的雙眼。 



「會是她嗎？」我的心，忐忑不安。

我不加思考的，拿了書，到Cashier那裡結帳。

一回到家，打開我的PowerBook，

輸入書背上的URL。

網站連接上了。

好炫的網頁，聲光音效十足，

一看就知道是用Flash製作的網頁。

按下工作室成員的名單。

出現了！ 

模糊的照片，還是看得出她charming的氣質。

真的是她！ 



看著如走馬燈的Screen，想起了塵封的往事。

那是八年前的夏天，也是我五專的最後一個夏天。

為了隔年的畢業展，我決定到父親的廣告公司工讀，

學習一些學校裡學不到的本事。

在那，我遇見了她。

她是設計部門的一位新進設計。

個子不高的她，白淨裡，透著濃郁的文學氣質。

靈活的大眼睛，像極了當時的B嫂，章容舫。

她大我一歲，剛從一所女子專校畢業。

她很羨慕我念的學校，

因為一直以來，我們學校學生的藝術素質，都遠超過於她們的。

也許年齡相仿，我們很談得來。

後來發現，原來她和我一樣，也是一隻獅子。

她對美學的涵養，令我敬佩，

也許是如此，後來我的美學和美術史，都有相當好的成績。

這對凡是須要死背的學科，

只求平飛、all pass的我，是一項特例。

愛玩是我的天性，後來開學了，我還是常去公司幫忙，

或以做作業為藉口，去公司找她。

我老爸也很訝異，女兒越來越懂事了。

有時，我會和她串通好，

下午沒課，她會騎著車，到火車站接我。

出了查票口，看見等著我的她，被人接送的感覺，真幸福。

偶而，男同學會投以忌妒的眼光阿諛我。

她喜歡讓我騎車載她，

我總是載她到公司附近，

然後她讓我騎著她的車，四處去兜風。

回家的路上，我總會經過一家花店，

我會習慣的買一朵玫瑰，給它足夠的水份，

在她下班後，溜進公司，偷偷放進她的抽屜裡。 



「我明天要上台北，你有飛機時刻表嗎？」我打電話問她。

「去台北幹嘛啊？你等等，我找一下。」電話傳來她在翻閱東西的聲音。

「去開會啊！新一代設計展要開籌備會，我得上去一趟。」我說。

「你不用上課了嗎？還要坐飛機去啊！真有錢啊你！」她在那頭嘮叨著。

「畢籌會出的錢嘛！反正是出公差，有何不可呢？」

「會長啊！你真會濫用職權呢？」她又在罵我了。

「哼！誰叫他們要選我呢！

更何況，我明天是要去抽籤，

決定展覽位置，很重要的！ 哪算濫用職權嘛！」

「找到了！你要坐幾點的啊！」

「九點以前趕得到外貿的，都可以！反正外貿就在機場旁嘛！」

「七點半有一班啦！怎麼不早一點打來，這麼晚了才問我。」

「沒辦法，科主任剛剛才和我連絡，我想明天那麼早，也只有坐飛機了！

主任也答應了！所以不能說我濫用職權喔！

喂！你現在在幹嘛啊？」

「我剛剛在彈琴啊！我彈給你聽好不好？」

她把電話放在鋼琴旁，優美的和絃，是萬方的“猜心”。

好美的旋律，從她手中傳來，更覺得優雅。

突然有種戀愛的感覺，有位女子，正為我彈著琴。 好感動！

「好不好聽？」她拿起話筒。

「嗯！你常在電話裡彈琴給別人聽嗎？」

「沒有，你是第一個！」

「哇！那我實在是受寵若驚了！」

「好了！你早點睡吧！明天一早就要去機場了！」

「喔！」

「回來記得要告訴我，有沒有抽到好籤喔！」

「一定會抽到的！因為有你的琴韻，為我助陣！」

「嗯！Bye」 



隔天，

我果真抽到了一個很好的展覽場地，

就在入口的門面籤王。 





1992年，春。 



公司在春假舉辦員工春季旅行，

大夥還是決定，去那個有如自家後院的墾丁。

那個在恆春下方，一直是夏天的海邊。

七年前的墾丁，還像一個樸實、卻開始懂得裝扮的Teenager。

現在的墾丁，則是花枝招展的豔婦。

我多跟同組的同學請了幾天假，

在和公司去玩樂前，先把該做的展覽作品完成。



在海濱戲水了一天，我們在一個露營區附近的沙灘，

開始搭起爐灶，生火準備烤肉。

公司裡的男士們，個個捲起衣袖，展現他們的Talent。

日暮黃昏，天色漸暗。

「哇！這麼暗怎麼知道肉熟了沒有？」一位會記部的女同事說著。

有人拿出了手電筒，充當路燈的站著。

我點燃一把火炬，插在沙灘上。

她坐在我身旁，看著我烤肉，

一旁設計部的AD，也跑來我們這一爐來參一卡。

那時，公司的人都看得出，AD要追她。

我不想搶AD的鋒頭，

我一句話也沒說，低頭努力的烤著我的肉。

AD開始講起笑話，其他人也配合的笑著。

起了一陣風，可以感覺到風沙打在臉上。

有人用手替肉擋住風沙。

「哇！都是沙子怎麼辦？」她問我。

「就當是黑胡椒牛肉吃嘍！」我說。

她笑著打我。 



大夥解決完晚餐問題，到街上租了協力車，準備去夜遊。

去鵝鑾鼻燈塔的路上，沒有一盞路燈，很適合夜遊。

去附近的雜貨店，多買了些電池。

為了讓旅程更顯刺激，

同事們決定只能讓最前和最後一輛車，拿手電筒照路。

她很自然的和我共騎，

盡管其他男同事紛紛表示要當她的護花使者。

她婉拒了他們，

她說，她只要我當她的護花使者。 



沒有路燈的夜空，滿天繁星，互相爭輝著。

「Venus！」她指著天邊的紅星。

經過海防部隊的營舍，站衛兵的阿兵哥，

跟成群結隊的我們嚷著

「頭前有鬼喔！」

「多謝喔！看到水的會甲你介紹喔！」調皮的男同事回了他。 



到達燈塔時，

沿途的上、下坡，把大家已經整的氣喘如牛了！

不過，卻有另一番的風味，累的很值得。

大夥去燈塔旁的商家，買了飲料解渴。

愛現、耍帥的幾個男同事，

因為要爭第一，結果把車的鏈條踩壞了，再一旁修著車。

其他的人，開始踏上回程的路。

又經過海防部隊，阿兵哥又問「看到鬼沒有？」

「有啊！她說要來找你玩喔！」男同事又回了他。

阿兵哥也不甘示弱的嚇我們

「喂！你後面怎麼多了一個人啊！」

嚇得一些女同事哇哇大叫。 



回到墾丁，大夥把協力車停在凱撒飯店前的小灣。

沒去夜遊的同事，已經把營火起好了，

那天正好有一位女同事生日，

細心的同事，為她准備好蛋糕為她慶生。

在營火旁，大家又唱又鬧的，直到夜闌人靜。

一些年紀大點的同事，紛紛回去飯店休息了，

剩下一些年輕人，還留在沙灘上，聊著天。

她和我並肩的坐著，看著夜裡的海洋。

天上的星空和底下的海洋，因為夜色而結合著。

夜裡的海風，捎來一絲涼意。

我脫下我的牛仔襯衫，披在她的肩上。

我隨性的往身後的沙灘一躺，

用手枕著頭，看著一望無盡的夜空。

「好美的星辰！」我說。

她也在我身邊躺下

「嗯！好久沒看見那麼多的星星了！」

「看著天地的浩瀚，突然覺得自己的渺小。

覺得自己，好孤單！」我感嘆。

「別這麼說！你還有我啊！」

「可是，連你也要走了！不是嗎？打算幾時去美國？」

「七月吧！你呢？畢業後打算怎麼做？」

「我想去東京念武藏野美術大學！我哥在東京，去了也有照應！」

「我可以看見你的光明前途！」她鼓勵我。

「我不知道。命運，是很難說的東西。

她讓我遇見你，然後又將你帶走。

我該認命嗎？

我不想，我相信，命運掌握在自己手中。

我一定可以走出自己的一條路。

我不想任命運擺佈。」

「我就是喜歡你的自信！我相信你可以！」

「我有些話想跟你說。」我轉過頭看著她。

「什麼事啊？」她側過身，用手托住她可愛的下巴。

「我喜歡你！」我篤定的看著她的眼。

我看見了她眼神裡的遲疑。

她又躺了下來。

空氣好像凍結了。

她終於打破了沈默。

「我知道這件事一定會發生，只是我沒想到會這麼快！

我自己也一直欺騙著我自己，我想，我也是喜歡你的，

只是........... 我自己也不知道怎麼去面對這樣的感情。

我相信，你可以找到更好的人。」

「算是一種拒絕嗎？」我問。

「我不希望你受任何傷害，

我就要離開了。我不相信遠距離的愛！」

「早知道會得到這樣的答案，我也只有祝福你了！」

「你別這樣！」她看著我。

我勉強的擠出了一個微笑。

「我們可以當一天的戀人！」她說。

「一天的戀人？」我迷糊了。

她挪了挪位置，依偎在我的臂膀

「嗯！一天的戀人！」

我輕撫著她迎風飄逸的髮絲。

「我要當你一天的戀人，然後記住你的好。

明天過後，我們還是好朋友。好嗎？」 她仰頭看著我。

我笑了！第一次聽到這樣的約定。

她伸出手，和我打勾勾。

「一天的戀人，你好！」我和她打了勾勾。

「那你愛我嗎？」她問。

「我愛你！」我看著她因為火光而閃爍的雙眼。

她將眼睛闔上，我知道，她正等待著我的吻。

我像個情竇初開的小男生，心跳的厲害。

環顧四周，沒人注意我，

我吞了一口口水，看著眼前的她。

我終於鼓起勇氣，緩緩迎向她的紅唇，

當吻上的那一煞那，

我也忘了是怎樣的一種感覺，因為緊張過了頭。

那年，我19歲。

也是這輩子第一次吻了自己心愛的女子。

第一次的吻，是由她主導著。

她柔嫩的雙唇，開啟我對她的渴望。

我們的唇，分開了。

她看著傻笑的我，摘下我的眼鏡。

這次我將她翻過身，輕壓在她身上，主動的吻著她。

四片朱唇碰觸的感覺，好奇妙。

我輕輕的品嚐著那份甜蜜。

像個愛冒險的小孩，我將舌偷溜進她的，探索著。

她上前迎接我的熱情，我吻的更深了。

「You are a good Kisser！」她撥開我額前的短髮。

「Am I？」我珍惜著每一秒，再次的吻上她的唇。



那天，我們聊了好多，

她告訴我，我比較像是變性慾者，不像拉拉。

她還引用了數據，告訴我，十個人之中，會有一個是同性戀者。

我說如果那麼多，我怎麼都遇不到半個？

她告訴我，每個人生來，都有同性戀、和異性戀的基因。

只是看個人如何取決。

她說她沒有勇氣當個拉拉。

但她願意當我一天的戀人。

那晚，我們以星辰為被，沙灘為褥，在營火旁睡著了。

她依偎在我的胸膛，沈靜的睡去。

 

不知道睡了多久，她把我搖醒。

「怎麼了？我的戀人！」我在她眉尖輕吻。

「漲潮了！」她指著我們腳下的海浪。

「哇！真的漲到這來了！」我扶著她站了起來。

「那裡還有一些餘火，我們去那好了！」

她指著另一端，別人升起的營火餘灰。

她不想回去飯店。

我摟著她，往哪裡走去。

天亮了，清晨五點的墾丁大街， 空無一人。

我們把協力車騎回店家門前放著，各自回飯店梳洗。

我躡手躡腳的怕吵醒睡我隔壁的父母。

換了件衣服，我趕緊去她房間門口等她。

「你來了！」她關上房門，看著蹲在她門口的我。

我站了起來，在門口給她一個早安之吻。

她倚在我的胸前，享受我溫柔的擁抱。

我牽著她的手，到街上吃早點。

用完餐之後，我們又散步回小灣的沙灘。

早起的店家，正把他們的水上摩托車運到海邊。

也早起的一些同事，向我們打招呼，

問我們要不要一起租幾台來玩。

「我們去玩好不好？我沒騎過唉！」我看著她。 她點點頭。

我們大慨十個人左右，合租了兩輛車。

店家說是第一筆生意，算我們便宜一點。

我們穿上店家給的救生衣，決定誰要騎先。

男士們當然自告奮勇的要為女同事服務。

結果只見愛耍帥的他們，個個因為耍帥而翻船。

後面幾個被載的女同事，個個慘遭魚池之殃，都成了落湯雞。

男同事又回來要載她，可是她說，她信不過他們，她只相信我。

男同事只好把車讓給了我，

第一次騎水上摩托車的我，

載著我一天的戀人，往海上飆去。

第一次真的感受到甚麼是乘風破浪，

那種一躍而上的快感，好刺激。

早晨無人的海上，

我載著我的戀人，在海上四處遨遊。



她沒信錯我！

我們是唯一沒落水的兩人。

隨著日上三竿，小灣戲水的人潮越來越多。

我們擺脫掉人群，

來到青蛙石後面的一個名叫情人灘的貝殼海灘。

小小的海灘，只有我倆，

她在滿是貝殼的海灘，撿起貝殼來了。

「這個給你！紀念我們當了一天的戀人！」

她拾起一個小巧細緻的貝殼給我。

「這個一樣的，我留著。

我會記得，這是我們在情人灘撿起的貝殼。」

她把貝殼上的小沙子吹掉，順手放進口袋。

我上前將她緊緊的抱住，

我好希望，我們不只是一天的戀人。

她哭了！她也緊緊的抱著我。

我貪婪的唇，尋找著她的，

我給她一個纏綿的熱吻。

撩起她的長髮，我吻著她的粉頸，

她今天的味道，有種淡淡的玫瑰香。

她整個人陷在我的臂彎裡，

我擁著她，看著蔚藍的海洋。

那一幕，至今，還一直印在我的腦海裡。

我們守著約定，真的只當了一天的戀人。 



最後一次在她出國前見到她，

是結束在台北的畢業展之後。

我帶著我的作品集，和一朵黃玫瑰，

告訴她我拿到這次畢業製作第一名的消息。

她始終不肯告訴我，她何時會離去。

她說，她不喜歡別離的場面。

後來，她的同學告訴我，

她離開那天，在機場哭得昏天暗地。

聽說，她去了加州。我再也沒見過她。

她搬了家、也換了電話。 

彷彿在我生命中消失了一般。

 

1994年，

我也來到了美國，原本去日本的計畫，

因為她，而更改。

我期盼有一天，走在異國的大街，能和她不期而遇。



1994年的最後一天，

和一群朋友去Seattle center為New Year狂歡。

在磨肩擦踵的人群裡，我彷彿看見她的倩影。

真的是她，可是我卻沒有向她走去。

看著她身旁的他，親蜜的呵護著她，

我只是獻上一份遙遠的祝福。

我不想破壞她的幸福。 



回過神的我，

看著眼前她的E-mail address，要發一封信給她嗎？ 



我還是甚麼也沒有做。

這麼多年了，她迴避著我，就是不希望我的打擾。



我下了線。

就讓她在我心中，永遠是我一天的戀人吧！

Wellcome to my Blog.

I am a Lesbian, however, I am more Transsexual.

So, I am a T.

My name is Jacob Inu.

Am I really a Inu, I mean a dog?

Yeah, I guess I like a dog in someways.

Same faithful, and same loyal.



Jacob原本是要被拿掉的老么，在1972年，一個盛夏的子夜出生。

從此開始了Jacob怪誕的命運。

厭惡被寵溺的生活，1994年，終於逮到機會，獨自放洋到美國流浪。

喝了幾年的洋墨水之後，1998年底，又回到Jacob的故鄉。

從東京到LA，Seattle到Chicago，

Olympia Washington到Lincoln Nebraska。

走過大大小小的城市，在清晨的Eva Air上，

我鳥瞰那闊別了四年多的高雄。

2001年，Jacob終於在台北找到屬於自己的落腳地。



談過幾次愛戀，但是拉子的感情路，總是坎坷艱辛。

相愛過的女子，到最後都選擇那張叫做結婚證書的薄紙為依靠。

有些已為人母，有的已經在紅毯的咫尺之前。

在每一段感情裡，我總是愛的很深。

然而，傷的也深。

我只想好好的愛一個人，

只想和相愛的女子攜手共度此生。

雖然我知道要實現這樣的夢想很難，

但我仍願意為愛付出所有。

我知道在茫茫的人海中，終究有一個值得我愛的女子等著我。



Jacob的部落格裡，收藏的是我多年來的拉子小品。

如果您不認同拉子的世界，現在就先請您離開。


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